Coming to Grips

I think that just now the shock is finally wearing off from all of these happenings the last few months. I am struggling now with facing needed change in my everyday life. I have started to read Life Over Cancer by Dr. Keith Block, as recommended by my Oncologist. It's been a great read so far, bur I'm just getting to the nitty gritty about diet, supplements, exercise, and mental/spiritual health. I think in my own case, I feel very susceptible to cancer; I've had two already, so what's to stop me from more? Something in my body is not functioning the way it should or some habit I have seems to be making my chances worse than the average person. It seems like this should be my wakeup call to make some much needed changes....but they continue to be the same struggle they always have been. I'm not sure if I expect too much of myself or not enough. I can eat well for a few days, but then laziness or lack of planning kicks in and we're eating pizza (which, although I haven't gotten to the food section of this book, I'm fairly certain pizza is not going to be a recommended daily allowance.) I also am trying to figure out how one is supposed to put all of these pieces together when I'm not working right now, let alone when you add back in a normal 40 hour work week. It seems like people who have cancer should be put into a learning program where they learn all these pieces about latest research on food, exercise, diet, supplements, get to meet others in similar situations, and learn how to cope with those things moving forward, I am shocked that I am expected to return to work soon, when I'm still coming to grips with the fact that I have a new cancer, just had surgery, am doing CHEMO, and dealing with the fatigue and other side effects. My god! So I'm supposed to be super woman and deal with my own mortality apparently, besides try to make money and ends meet, etc, etc. Can't the world just pause for a few minutes? Can't I have a few months to adjust to this new life I'm supposed to adopt for my own good? It may seem a little whiney, but on the other hand, it's no wonder the average American has so much trouble making these changes In their day to day lives. We are not taught how to put new emphasis on things that put our own wellbeing in focus. We are taught how to quicken our demise - eat cheaply and quickly, give up that walk for an hour of Real Love. Ugh.

And I feel guilty for wanting more time. My coworkers are struggling dealing with the highest unemployment rates and crazy state demands, and they they see me with a tan and must wonder how long I'll "milk" the system. Oh, you can work in your garden but you can't work in an office? My physical self goes through fluctuating energies and strength, but it's my mental self that's struggling more now. I feel a huge pressure to return to work, and yet I also feel like it's all moving too fast. I wanted to slow down everything along this journey, but haven't been able to...yet. My mental capacity is just catching up to all that has happened to me. And you know what? It's not all roses. It is angering and saddening and shocking to have to deal with all of this. I am happy to be alive and am pissed off that this is happening...that my body is betraying me. I am pissed that this is solely my responsibility to deal with and make better. I'm the one who has to accommodate the demands of work and life with any healthy positive changes that could improve my survival rates and chances of getting any more fucking cancers. It just seems like an insurmountable burden at times. And yet, I want those changes. Do I just have to pull on the big girl underwear and do it myself? Can I?

I also realized today that I think it's time to call in some additional help. I've been going through a lot and am just now facing what that means, and I think some counseling would help me to process and deal better. As I type, I am making the commitment to call the Kaiser Cancer Alliance tomorrow and look more into counseling help. I was thinking of a good friend of mine today who has faithfully gone to the same counselor for over 10 years every week, driving one hour to get there and another hour home. And it's not because she's a messed up person, but because she puts that time for herself as a priority. I have always said that I think counseling is a good thing for people, even if they don't have issues to deal with...and yet, I've talked out of one side of my mouth while not putting the rubber to the road. I admire my friend and I'm ready to admit that I need some additional help to deal with all of this. Thanks, SS, for being a role model.