The Unknown

As I have gone through this experience, I have struggled with my desire to want to share it with people and my inability to explain what I have been going through. This journey of cancer and chemo is a new experience and nothing like anything I have ever gone through in my past and I often times come up blank when I try to figure out how to share my experiences with others. I have always tried to communicate with people as openly as I can, and I continue to do so, but it has been a real challenge when I often times don't even know myself what it is that I'm feeling or how I am doing. Sounds strange, doesn't it? How can I not know how I am? Sometimes there just aren't words or analogies to accurately portray what I would like, and sometimes I just don't know. It's frustrating. I would much rather be able to put it into easily relatable language so we can converse about it, but instead I have to ask your patience. It's not that I don't want to talk about it - I do. I just can't find the right words.

A great example of this strange phenomenon is my "tiredness." Our language is lacking when it comes to the word "tired" similar to the way it's lacking in the word "love." In Latin, there are three different words for love, all of which explain different types of love. Our language only has the one word, but we love in many different ways. I now believe that to be true for "tired" too. There's tired like I'm ready to go to bed and fall asleep. There's tired like my body aches and is ready to just be still for a while. There's mental tiredness. And then there's the type of tired you get when you're ill. Cancer tiredness isn't really the same as any of these other types of tireds. I'm not really physically tired...well, maybe a little. I don't have the words to describe it, but all I know is that I just want to sit down and chill out...that's the chemo tired. Unexplainable.

I have started back to work and there have been many surprises. I am doing mostly paperwork since I am being kept away from the general public, and it hasn't been nearly as tiring as I thought. (Though when I get home, I crash - I watch TV and I'm lucky if I can make dinner. Again, that strange tiredness.) My coworkers have been GREAT about reminding me to take it easy and helping me to take care of myself. I have been very impressed by their concern. On the other hand, I have been disappointed in management - they have decided to put me into the greeting position at work, which has the most contact with the general public of all our positions - seeing about 250 - 400 people a day. Management says this won't start until my doctor's note allows, but that's only in two weeks. I'll go from seeing 0 general public to several hundred. I meet tomorrow with the Accommodation Specialist and my boss and the main manager of our office plus a union representative to further discuss my need to stay away from the general public and how they can accommodate me. I want to apologize for the...inconvenience...and yet I won't. I need to take care of my health and they need to know what they can do to help me with that - and I won't apologize for it.

My body continues to heal and adjust to it's new self. After talking to my counselor today, I realize I have been struggling with the dichotomy between wanting to return to my old self, my old way of life, and yet knowing that I won't ever be the same again. She made me realize that I have lost a part of myself and that I need to process some grieving for that. I hadn't thought about it in terms of grieving, but once she said that word, it clicked into place. It may sound a little hokey, but the reality is that I have gone through huge changes in a short amount of time. I will never be the same person that I was, and yet I am still me. I am struggling to catch up with the changes that have happened. I am still figuring out which pieces of me are the same and where and how I have changed. I have not reconciled my two selves into one whole being yet, but I'm working on it. It'll just take time.

My hair is coming back. I notice much more stubble on my scalp than previously, but a lot of white stubble on the side (I keep hoping it's just peach fuzz and the color will come back soon!) and one big bald spot where no hair is growing right up front. I'm hoping that'll fill in soon. My coworker was asking me whether they make partial wigs in order to cover that one bare spot - I told her that's what spray paint is for. :)

I continue to be very "sore." My knees ache, my body feels every movement very distinctly. I laughed this morning as I was trying to put on a pair of pants and it hurt to raise my legs high enough to put them into the pant legs. I continue to research yoga, and if all goes well, Brian and I will both go in for some private yoga lessons tomorrow. Once my muscles learn a little flexibility and Brian learns some correct yoga poses, we will join some of the regular classes offered to the public. I am looking forward to teaching my muscles some of the strength and flexibility that I once took for granted.

We met with the doctors for my follow-up appointment, post-chemo, a few weeks ago. Everything looked good and we will continue to monitor me with check-ups and blood work every 3 months for the next two years. Then we'll lessen the appointments to every 6 months for the following 3 years. If I go 5 years without any changes, I will be declared free of cancer. Keep your positive thoughts coming!