Showing Character

I am finally home and it feels so good. I still am sore and have a large wound that we're working on healing. I am on blood thinners and potassium pills. I feel better and gain strength daily, but am reminded that I must take it slowly. The staples were taken out of my wound on Friday, but I have been too active and have reopened part of the wound. I must take a few steps backwards and just relegate myself to a chair or couch and let myself be served and not push myself too hard. I never knew how hard it would be to depend on someone else for everything - getting me a drink of water, helping me to stand up, and just grabbing things that are barely out of reach.

As I sit here, tired of watching movies and needing a break from books, I realize that I still know so little. I've had a hysterectomy; What does that mean to me? I'm about to enter menopause and I'll never have a period again - but what does that mean to my hormones? I have a cancer and most likely will need chemotherapy, but what does that look like? How will it effect me? Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed by how much I don't know.

My husband, lovely man that he is, felt compelled to point out the beginnings of a mustache to me the other day. Gee, thanks dear! And while it's kind of funny, it also strikes fear in my heart. Is this the start of needing to shave my upper lip and my beard? Will my body become pear-shaped and will I be prone to hot flashes? Will hormones make me a raving bitch?

I also come back to face the question in my first post about strength and fear. I continue to be told by others about how strong I am, and yet I feel this incredible fear for the next few steps. Chemotherapy has always sounded so scary, and yet I realize that I really just don't know much about the process. Maybe knowledge will take some of the fear away. I won't back down; that's not my style. I will admit fear.

They say that how you handle difficult situations is what really shows your character. That seems like a lot of pressure in this scenario. Of course I want to be strong and fearless and knowledgeable about my condition and never be known to complain or whine for my situation - that's admirable, right? But that seems like a tall order...and a little unrealistic too. Who has taught us that we must be all these things to be an admirable person? I want to portray all those characteristics and yet more importantly, I want to be real about my situation and honest in my emotions and communication, which may sometimes conflict.