Bald notions

I'm bald. We took the clippers to the last little tuft of hair a couple of weeks ago and it's strangely liberating to have no hair on my head - no reason to use more than the smallest dot of shampoo, no drying or styling of hair. It's a bit of a shock to look in the mirror and I see that same look of shock reflected in the faces of the people who know me too. I don't mind that others seem speechless (what do you say to a newly bald person anyway?) because I feel the same way. I use the scarves regularly when I leave the house, but it's much more comfortable and freeing to just go bald. While I love all the different styles and types of scarves that I've gathered, they become hugely uncomfortable when I have a hot flash and I usually end up ripping them off my head to just get a slight relief from the heat of the flash.

I had my last session of chemo last week (a week and a half ago now) and it went fine. No real news to report other than being hugely relieved that it's over. And yet, I don't really feel like it's over. I've really just started this battle to remain/get cancer-free, and it will be something I fight for the rest of my life. I can't really get back to life as I know it just because the chemo is over. I have all of these signs that keep reminding me of the battle every day - a bald head, numbness in my feet, hot flashes, a sensitive belly, and I am not the same person of a few months ago. I am more serious, more cautious, have more mental strength, and struggle with the burden of "cancer" every day. I am constantly reminded of my mortality, my control over my health, and battle with wanting to return to my "simple" life as I knew it a few months ago - but really that's impossible. So I struggle with figuring out who I am now and what changes- mentally, physically, and spiritually- will become permanent in my life.

I continue to see my acupuncturist who has been fabulous for helping with some of the side-effects. I am now looking into yoga classes in order to stretch my sore joints and muscles and help me become more aware of my body movements. I feel so clunky/junky after the surgery and all this chemo. My body has been through a battle and has visible and not-so-visible scars. I feel unattractive, weak, uncoordinated, and generally pretty dowdy. I need help to recover some sense of unity between mind, spirit, and body - they all seem so disconnected right now. I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself anymore. I am ashamed of my post-surgery post-chemo body and am sick of feeling that way. I want that connection between soul and body reestablished and am hoping yoga will help with that.

My return to work date is set for 9/30 and I am grateful - grateful to push it out a little further but also grateful to have a date to look forward towards. I have had several colds over the last few weeks as my immune system is busy fighting other things inside and I think I will still have immune issues when I return to work, but I look forward to getting back to that normal daily routine. I look forward to having a purpose to each day and to interacting with my coworkers more regularly. I'll probably regret saying that within a week of returning to work!