Discoveries

After I wrote in one of my blog postings about needing to try to find my dad, Laura contacted me about her talent in doing family research...and the short of it is that she was able to find an old address for him in Vancouver. I wrote up a letter and we have since been in contact! The good news is that he is open to continuing contact together and we are learning more about each other with each email. The not-so-good news is that many of the females on his side of the family have had various types of cancer. Brian says that some of those cancers shouldn't matter much in regards to my own health since they are not passed along genetically. I continue to work with him on getting more info about those family members and to work on our own relationship too. As we gather more info, I will pass it along to the genetics doctor and it will help us narrow down what types of genes I could have that might link to other cancers. Genetics is a field with thousands of possibilities - I imagine it to be quite challenging and interesting for those who work in that field. I also find it interesting, but also a bit worrisome!

Brian's parents were in town last week. We celebrated the occasion by cooking up our very first farm-raised turkey. It was quite tasty and pretty exciting for Brian and me. I think his parents were a little less excited about the idea of eating one of our turkeys, especially when their friends are still running around in our pasture. Brian and I were also excited to become parents...and then again and again! I am speaking of our chickens finally starting to lay some eggs. We were very excited to find our first eggs in the nesting boxes. We also have been harvesting tons of veggies and fruits from the garden and orchard. We have lots of apples and pears in season, not to mention the tomatoes, zucchini, chard, kale, lettuce, tomatillos, squash, pumpkins, onions, peppers, basil, radishes, cabbages, cauliflower, broccoli, and more! I'm finally getting to the point where I can't keep up with everything as it harvests, but we've had many healthy meals because of it.

I go back to work in one week. I think the blog posts will continue to slow down as my doctor appointments become less and my health returns. Thanks everyone for reading as we've gone through this journey together.

Bald notions

I'm bald. We took the clippers to the last little tuft of hair a couple of weeks ago and it's strangely liberating to have no hair on my head - no reason to use more than the smallest dot of shampoo, no drying or styling of hair. It's a bit of a shock to look in the mirror and I see that same look of shock reflected in the faces of the people who know me too. I don't mind that others seem speechless (what do you say to a newly bald person anyway?) because I feel the same way. I use the scarves regularly when I leave the house, but it's much more comfortable and freeing to just go bald. While I love all the different styles and types of scarves that I've gathered, they become hugely uncomfortable when I have a hot flash and I usually end up ripping them off my head to just get a slight relief from the heat of the flash.

I had my last session of chemo last week (a week and a half ago now) and it went fine. No real news to report other than being hugely relieved that it's over. And yet, I don't really feel like it's over. I've really just started this battle to remain/get cancer-free, and it will be something I fight for the rest of my life. I can't really get back to life as I know it just because the chemo is over. I have all of these signs that keep reminding me of the battle every day - a bald head, numbness in my feet, hot flashes, a sensitive belly, and I am not the same person of a few months ago. I am more serious, more cautious, have more mental strength, and struggle with the burden of "cancer" every day. I am constantly reminded of my mortality, my control over my health, and battle with wanting to return to my "simple" life as I knew it a few months ago - but really that's impossible. So I struggle with figuring out who I am now and what changes- mentally, physically, and spiritually- will become permanent in my life.

I continue to see my acupuncturist who has been fabulous for helping with some of the side-effects. I am now looking into yoga classes in order to stretch my sore joints and muscles and help me become more aware of my body movements. I feel so clunky/junky after the surgery and all this chemo. My body has been through a battle and has visible and not-so-visible scars. I feel unattractive, weak, uncoordinated, and generally pretty dowdy. I need help to recover some sense of unity between mind, spirit, and body - they all seem so disconnected right now. I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself anymore. I am ashamed of my post-surgery post-chemo body and am sick of feeling that way. I want that connection between soul and body reestablished and am hoping yoga will help with that.

My return to work date is set for 9/30 and I am grateful - grateful to push it out a little further but also grateful to have a date to look forward towards. I have had several colds over the last few weeks as my immune system is busy fighting other things inside and I think I will still have immune issues when I return to work, but I look forward to getting back to that normal daily routine. I look forward to having a purpose to each day and to interacting with my coworkers more regularly. I'll probably regret saying that within a week of returning to work!